Foods To Avoid With A Beard
Posted on 07 March 2017
Sporting a beard has it’s many advantages. But sometimes we see things through nostalgia glasses and we tend to forget disadvantages that plague our favorite things. And that includes beards.
While having a beard is certainly worth all of the struggles, one thing that beardsmen have to pay special attention to is the foods they eat… as well as the caution with which they eat them. Some foods are extremely unforgiving to your beard’s hygiene and appearance.
Here’s a list of foods that we suggest you avoid (or at least exercise extreme caution with), so you’ll keep your face-doo fresh, smooth, and manly. Prepare yourselves… some of these might be kinda hard to swallow.
But..but...wings?? Yes. Especially ones slathered in any manner of sauce. The different shapes and sizes of each piece of delicious chicken makes the consumption process quite an adventure, to say the least. Those little babies seem to hide pockets of sauce around unseen corners and inside crevices.
No matter how careful you are, you’ll more than likely be caught off guard by an invisible glob of messiness that lodges itself into your facial hair without you realizing it. It seems like the sauce and juices on wings infiltrate your beard more effectively than Navy Seals landing silently on a moonlit beach.
If you just can’t fathom giving up chicken wings, you might want to consider eating them with a fork and knife. But that’s just lame.
Corn On The Cob
Corn on the cob is hard enough for people without beards to eat without making a royal mess. It’s a buttery, juicy corn post that you’re sliding through your mouth sideways. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen. The mess is exaggerated by your facial hairs inevitably swiping over all those greasy kernels, scraping up butter better than a bee’s knees scrape up pollen.
Yet again, the better option here is to cut off the kernels vertically from the cob eat them on a fork. You’ll really only be missing out on the occasional blast of corn juice in your eye.
Runny Egg Yolk
Not everybody enjoys the warm, liquid texture of the yolk from an egg cooked over easy, but those who do know that that delicious yellow goodness is dangerous. Not only is the stuff runny and moves unpredictably, but it’s slick and sticky, and when it dries it’s a devil to get out of your facial hair.
Unfortunately, there’s really no easy way to go about protecting yourself from the mess that the yellow goop makes. Whether it’s on a sandwich or a fork, it’s just as devious and likely to make a frustrating mess. Maybe you’ll just have to keep that egg on the fryer for just a couple more minutes to avoid the risk.
Ice Cream Cones
Oh no… now the problem stretches into dessert? Sigh... Yes it does. Ice cream eaten off of a cone is notorious for giving everybody a milk beard, not just those with actual facial hair. So you can imagine that things are made more complicated by having a beard.
Because you’re generally eating a scoop of ice cream that is bigger in diameter than how wide you can open your mouth, there’s gonna be some ice cream-to-beard transfer going on. Fortunately, this milky dessert isn’t all that hard to wash/wipe out of your beard. On the other hand, if it’s not thoroughly cleaned out, residual milk can start to stink up your face as it begins to go rancid. And as you know, that is not a pleasant smell… nor a manly one.
Big ol’ Burgers
Can this list get any more dire? It seems like people on diets can eat better food than dudes with beards! Well, think of these more like guidelines and helpful pointers. Because any dude who is denied a juicy burger for the sake of cleanliness is probably gonna go either insane or postal.
Having said that, the contents in a great burger are hard enough to contain in your hands, let alone not getting them on your beard. We’re not talking about those sorry McDonald’s wannabe burgers. We’ve got half-pound (or more), fully decked out man-burgers in mind.
The circular shape of that massive burger makes that first bite especially dangerous because your face will be surrounded on both sides by burger juice, condiments, sesame seeds, and flaky bun pieces.
Everybody is familiar with the merciless stickiness of a melty marshmallow. That stuff still manages to cling to the roasting stick even while being incinerated in the campfire. Those innocent-looking white puffs of sugar are nastier than napalm. Get some melted mallow on your beard and you might as well shave it off.
On top of that, you’ve got melted chocolate and crumbly graham crackers thrown into the mix. Unless you feel like lubing up your beard with oil or some other intensely hydrophobic chemical beforehand, this is one classic dessert you might want to steer away from.
Keep It Clean
Ultimately, as a beardsman, what you eat is up to you. And we don’t wanna make you feel like the cost of wearing a beard is too high, because it most definitely isn’t. We just know that in order to maintain maximum manliness you might want to be a tad careful while eating these messy meals. Heck, if you can pull it off flawlessly without any mishaps you’re one heck of a gentleman. So maybe this list shouldn’t be seen so much as a “do” or “don’t do” checklist, but rather as a challenge. Stay classy, boys.